The lost traveller?

What should I identify myself with? Should I call myself a malayalee, a Mumbaikar or better still a “Bombay malayalee” as my politics prof. calls me.

I was born and brought up outside Kerala; even my parents were. Hence, there there is nothing wrong in me associating myself as Mumbaikar. Yet, I am called a “madrasi” (even though I am not a tamilian) in Mumbai and a “Bombaykari” in Kerala. It is very frustrating as I find it hard to associate myself with any one of these categories.

I have no ties with my home land, Kerala; have little knowledge of the customs and traditions and though I speak reasonably good Malayalam, am illiterate (I cannot read and write the language). With no relatives left in Kerala, I visit the place as a tourist rather than as a person coming back to his/her ancestral home or village. I am just a ‘namesake’ Malayalee. It doesn’t hurt but it does not alleviate me either. The feeling is neutral.

Even if we observe the customs and rituals though adulterated due to our influence with other communities, they are forced upon me. My parents and relatives in Mumbai do this to desperately hold on to our roots. But when a person does not feel connected to a certain culture, he/she cannot believe in it even if forced. I correlate with Ganesh chaturti and gudi padva more than onam and vishu.

There are also several malayalee youngsters, just like me, in Mumbai who feel ashamed at calling themselves malayalee. They speak Hindi or English at home and of course there are parents who proudly claim that their children do not speak or have no knowledge of Malayalam. This is sad because in an attempt to be a part of their surrounding community they desperately are trying to cut off from their roots. In the name of fashion, they are getting more entangled in the identity crisis.

This is not to say that one should adapt to their surroundings in another land so much that they forget there individuality. Rather, be in touch with their roots by atleast learning the language and perhaps reading the literature of our community. Belief and knowing from where one has come from is more important than displaying to the world that “we staunchly practise the customs even though we are not close to our community or state”. In a weird way, I feel my condition is similar to my cousin’s and several other young people who live abroad.

In the end, I still am clueless about my identify…